Just when you think . . .

Just when you think your kids are handling the new family so well, something snaps you into the reality that they are damaged by their parents divorce. I don't know what it is like to be a child of divorce.  My parents have been together 40+ years, and although no family is perfect, I didn't experience the life my children have.

Tim and I were recently having a normal disagreement about how to stoke the fire, yes a silly subject to disagree on, but I lived on my own in a house with a fireplace for 10 years, I have my own way of doing it. When Tim asked why I was playing in the fire I told him and we disagreed about if it needed stoking or not. A simple few words of disagreement with each others opinions, not yelling, no fighting, just a few disagreeing words.  Suddenly, the middle child holds his hands up, as if to separate us even though we are on different sides of the couch,  and states quite firmly "don't get a divorce".  Shocked we both stopped and suddenly laughed and told him that we are committed to being together for the rest of our lives. We both assured him that when we took the vows at our wedding we meant them and we were stuck together for good and bad! We explained that we trust God brought us together and that we promise him and the other two kids that we are a family and that nothing will tear us apart.

I know this is a big promise.  I hear some of you thinking, 'sure we all thought that on our wedding day', I know some of you have struggled with that promise and some of you have had to break that promise. Some of you are single parents, struggling with how to be the mom & the dad at the same time. I mean no disrespect to you, your situations and your lives are testaments that we never know what the future brings.

Tim & I have all intentions of keeping this promise to each other, our children, our families, and most importantly to God. I only know that the lives of these three precious children have been handed to me, they are the greatest gift my husband has given me.  He trusted me with raising his children, he trusts me more then the woman he made their biological mother. He reminds me frequently of how much they have learned and how stable and loving our home is, how it is the family he had hoped for.  I know that there are times ahead which I can not predict, times that will test that promise but the important thing to remind ourselves at those moments is we made the promise, we meant it, and we have to live it out.

We committed to these kids that we will make a stable loving home for them, we have to assure them at all costs.  Unless one of us loses sight of that promise I am confident that the promise I made can be kept. So I can tell my son, when he blurts out "don't get divorced" that we love each other even when we are arguing and that we will NOT be getting a divorce.  It reminds me that these little lives have been impacted by the actions of their parents, and that even though they were loved through the process, they were damaged.  Nothing but love can heal that wound, nothing but time and always being here for them.

step family VS natural family

"Recognize that the stepfamily will not and can not function as does a natural family. It has its own special state of dynamics and behaviors. Once learned, these behaviors can become predictable and positive. Do not try to overlay the expectations and dynamics of the intact or natural family onto the stepfamily." http://parenthood.library.wisc.edu/Bliss/Bliss.html

I think the above quote is wrong.  I believe that every family, blended or natural creates its own expectations within the group. It is the natural order that the parents set the precedents, objectives, rules, celebrations and such.

Any group has its own individual group personality and dynamics.  I experienced this when I was teaching.  A class of students could be changed by the inclusion or exclusion of key individuals within the group. Just like teaching, there is a basic family make-up, roles of all involved, and there should be consistency in how this group is assembled. I agree that a natural family breakdown and the roles are all re-defined when a divorce of the groups primary leaders takes place.  In many circumstances this is the decision of those leaders that they can not or will not agree to co-lead the family anymore.  Depending on how this decision is made and experienced can make the difference for the children.

The decision to divorce is something that should not be made in haste.  Equally important, when children are involved,  is the decision to start dating and eventually re-marry. When a person makes the decision to be a parent all other decisions suddenly have to be made with the children as a priority. Parents have the most difficult decisions to make when they are faced with moving on from the breakage of the relationship with their co-parent.  I can not imagine how you make those decisions. I can only support those of my friends who have to make them.

I can only make those decisions as a step-mom, my decisions now affect my step-children. My husband and I strive to give these children a family that is strong, perhaps stronger then their "natural family".