I married not only my husband but his wonderful three children 10 months ago. I consider them my kids, I dislike the step-parent label. Especially since the kids are with us full time. Their mother lives in LA and when the custody case was before the court in October she faxed a hand-written note to the judge at 4pm the day before the appearance stating she would not be able to appear and could the date get extended.
I don't doubt that she loves her children. I am sure that she wishes they could be with her (as she states many many times in e-mails or Facebook posts). She likes to say that my husband stole them from her when he knew she couldn't appear in court. Yes, among many other reasons he filed for a reversal of custody when after f2 years she could not provide a stable home for them. Aside from the emotional, mental, academic stability that all children need, she could not provide the simplest of basic needs, shelter, a home. All the food, clothing , and other stuff kids needs was provided by either her few friends and family who let them live in their homes, state assistance, or the child support money that their father provided for her. Love is not the only thing that makes a woman a good mother.
As many of those of you reading know from experience, having children changes your life. birthing them you get the nine months to adapt to the thought of them, then you get to grow your knowledge with them as they grow. I knew they would be part of our life as I married my husband, however, 3 months before our wedding date he informed me that the mother of his children had dropped them with him because her current living situation would not allow them any more. Then 2 months before our day, she got on a plane from Mobile AL to Los Angeles, CA and we knew that she wasn't coming back anytime soon. He looked into filing for custody (since the kids were living with him full time now). Twenty-four days from our wedding day he was awarded temporary full custody. Two and a half months later the court awarded him full custody.
My conversation with the kids has always been that they are to call me what is most comfortable and respectful for them. All three started with calling me Dorothy. In 6 months my daughter Meila started calling me Momma when I would pick her up from Brownies. Then on a sleep-over with her troop she called me momma all night and since then its been almost exclusively momma. It really is sweet especially when it has been her choice.
Meila has asked me on occasion if she should call me momma. I have repeated what I told her from the start " you can call me what you are comfortable with". On one occasion she explained how her other momma said she can't call me mom. I explained that it probably hurts her momma's feelings to hear her call another woman momma. I told Meila that no one can tell her how she feels in her heart and that if she felt like calling me momma it was up to her, since that conversation it has always been momma.
It is the sweetest name anyone has called me. I'm so thankful. As for the boys, they call me Dorothy most of the time. They slip once in a while and call me mom and they have this pause afterwards to see if I noticed. They say things like 'your the best mom ever' or when friends ask "is that your mom" they answer "yes".
Recently I posted a video on my facebook page and Meila calls me 'momma' and it bothered her real mom and others. I knew it was inevitable. I could have tried to edit the video so as not to hear that precious call of 'momma' but why should I hide the term of endearment that my daughter has choosen to call me. My reply to the shout of "she's not the MOMMA!! was simple "the kids have two mothers that love them very much." I will never replace their real mom and quite honestly I don't want to, I want to be a better mother then they have had I want to care for their every need, grow them into good citizens, be for them the mother that I am blessed to have. I will wash their laundry, wake up at night with them, hold their hand at scary doctor appointments, nurture and nourish them with all that God has blessed me with so that I may be a blessing to them. I will love them through hard choices that they don't understand, limit their movie choices, make them read, make them go outside to play, go to church, I pray that in their hearts they will see the woman God calls me to be for them. I pray that their other mother recognizes the blessing they have been given to have two mothers that love them.
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