babysitter? or Mom?

I have these moments of clarity, this morning was one.  A year ago at this time I had been married almost three months and as everyone knows became an instant mother of three with those two words "I do" and it has been an eventful year of adjustments.

This morning I woke up with the alarm at 6am, stumbled out sleepy and let the dog out of her crate, shuffled across the living room to turn on the lights each of the kids rooms. Into the kitchen to pour  my orange juice then back into the bedrooms to wake them up.  I am more like a sheep dog in the mornings then a person, nipping at their heels to get out the door on time. "Did you put deodorant on? Get your breakfast, stop staring in the mirror and get your hair brushed, find your shoes."  No I don't know where your uniform shirt is, I put it in your clean clothes basket.  Get your lunch out of the fridge, its time to go, come on your going to miss the bus." I rush them out the door and walk with them down the block (one house) to the corner in time to hug them all before they get on the bus.

Somewhere in the last 14 months I became "mom" and I love it.  I know they have a mom who loves them, I know they love her. I pray for her to find a way to be closer to them because it might make it a little less painful for them. I am the one who is here every day. I wash their clothes, do the grocery shopping, cook for them, clean up after them, award their hard work. I work to help provide for them. I dry their tears, try to explain why "momma" can't live closer. I have to field the emotions that they have when they are given decisions that kids shouldn't have to make (Christmas gifts OR flight out to visit momma) I have to explain why we can't send momma money to help her find a house.

I am mom, I draw from my own mothers patient teachings.  I watch how my sisters kids snuggle up to her and realize that my step-kids now snuggle in the same way when we watch TV.  I relish in the little secrets they come home with about 'girlfriends' and boys they have a crush on. I feel blessed that they see me as mom and call me as such, it also doesn't bother me that they call me Dorothy, I know who is here day-in-and day-out for them.  I feel like mom, I feel like I have been given an awesome responsibility and I am blessed to have great role models of women in my life to draw from when I am caught asking myself "what now?".

As I turn to walk back to the house I notice the soft pink color of the clouds, a welcome brisk cool fall air fills my lungs.  For some unknown reason, I am suddenly clear that I am a mom, not just a babysitter for someone's children. I breath in the cool morning air and realize that a year ago I still felt like I was babysitting someone else's kids, today as I open the door back to into a quiet house I am a mother.