The State of Our Unions 2005, a report issued by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, states that only 63% of American children grow up with both biological parents -- the lowest figure in the Western world. As a new step-mom I have 3 wonderful children that fall into this category. With all the data showing that these children are more likely to have problems in mental, emotional, or social areas. My role as a step-mom, and life partner to my husband, is to create a healthy family environment for what is now our kids, our family.
The family unit is our most fundamental social structure. It is no surprise that the breakdown of the family is paralleled in society by the breakdown of basic 'common courtesies' that are no longer common. It is our family unit that teaches us the values by which we will live our life.
The family unit at it's core, it is designed to nurture and meet our most basic needs in infancy and young childhood. The foundational needs in the pyramid of Maslow's Hierarchy are the needs of food, shelter, and safety. In developed societies these needs are met either independently by the parent(s) or with help from the greater society through government programs. However, to raise healthy children it is the 3rd level of the hierarchy and above that are the critical areas of development. These are the areas that move beyond the physical needs of human development and into the development of an individuals sense of belonging, self esteem, and self-actualization.
Child development specialist agree that the most important years of development are the first 5 years of life. Unfortunately this also correlates with the end of many marriages. As one example, for first marriages ending in divorce among women aged 25 to 29, the median length of marriage before divorce in 1990 was 3.4 years; (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1992, p. 4). My step-children fall into the masses of children whose parents are divorced before the age of 5. The youngest was 3.5years old when her mother moved the children away from their dad without any explanation or warning. The Boys were 5 and 6 years old when their lives were uprooted. They are amazingly well adjusted considering that they were woke up very early one Saturday morning and moved 245 miles away from their father. Over the next two years they would move 4 times and be in 3 school different school districts.
The kids are fortunate that there was no ugly custody battle. Their dad was able and willing to move close to where his ex-wife had decided to live when she left him. He only wanted to be near and involved in his children's life. They actually had an amicable situation (at least from the kids point of view). He allowed her to have full custody as long as she was reasonable about his involvement in the kids activities. Over over the course of time, her living situation did not stabilize, and in fact, became unresolvable for the children to continue living with her. As life decisions would have it, my husband was awarded full custody without a battle because he could provide the basic needs and a stable environment for them to grow.
I am a lucky step-mother because my children are young enough to not have developed adolescent anger about the situation, and old enough to communicate their emotions about their living situation. Children, overall, are resilient. My three step kids are a mothers dream. We have had few struggles. The older boys had significant academic difficulties at the beginning of the current school year. Given a stabile home environment and a step-mother who is a former educator, they are thriving. The middle child shows exceptional growth over the first semester of the year. His fundamental academic skills have shown remarkable growth. He repeated 1st grade and is currently in 2nd grade. At the beginning of the year he was showing signs of being in the bottom of his class average. At the semester grading period he was only 10ths of a point from straight B average. We believe that the stability we have provided has been a major factor in his improvements. We are hoping to achieve similar improvements for the oldest who is struggling through 4th grade.
When accepting to date & marry a man with children from a previous marriage, I agreed to take all these factors into consideration. I would not change this decision. I am proud to be a step-mother and I see these children not as a burden but as a blessing. I am sure there are many challenges ahead, but I am confident that they are normal family struggles.
The family unit is our most fundamental social structure. It is no surprise that the breakdown of the family is paralleled in society by the breakdown of basic 'common courtesies' that are no longer common. It is our family unit that teaches us the values by which we will live our life.
The family unit at it's core, it is designed to nurture and meet our most basic needs in infancy and young childhood. The foundational needs in the pyramid of Maslow's Hierarchy are the needs of food, shelter, and safety. In developed societies these needs are met either independently by the parent(s) or with help from the greater society through government programs. However, to raise healthy children it is the 3rd level of the hierarchy and above that are the critical areas of development. These are the areas that move beyond the physical needs of human development and into the development of an individuals sense of belonging, self esteem, and self-actualization.
Child development specialist agree that the most important years of development are the first 5 years of life. Unfortunately this also correlates with the end of many marriages. As one example, for first marriages ending in divorce among women aged 25 to 29, the median length of marriage before divorce in 1990 was 3.4 years; (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1992, p. 4). My step-children fall into the masses of children whose parents are divorced before the age of 5. The youngest was 3.5years old when her mother moved the children away from their dad without any explanation or warning. The Boys were 5 and 6 years old when their lives were uprooted. They are amazingly well adjusted considering that they were woke up very early one Saturday morning and moved 245 miles away from their father. Over the next two years they would move 4 times and be in 3 school different school districts.
The kids are fortunate that there was no ugly custody battle. Their dad was able and willing to move close to where his ex-wife had decided to live when she left him. He only wanted to be near and involved in his children's life. They actually had an amicable situation (at least from the kids point of view). He allowed her to have full custody as long as she was reasonable about his involvement in the kids activities. Over over the course of time, her living situation did not stabilize, and in fact, became unresolvable for the children to continue living with her. As life decisions would have it, my husband was awarded full custody without a battle because he could provide the basic needs and a stable environment for them to grow.
I am a lucky step-mother because my children are young enough to not have developed adolescent anger about the situation, and old enough to communicate their emotions about their living situation. Children, overall, are resilient. My three step kids are a mothers dream. We have had few struggles. The older boys had significant academic difficulties at the beginning of the current school year. Given a stabile home environment and a step-mother who is a former educator, they are thriving. The middle child shows exceptional growth over the first semester of the year. His fundamental academic skills have shown remarkable growth. He repeated 1st grade and is currently in 2nd grade. At the beginning of the year he was showing signs of being in the bottom of his class average. At the semester grading period he was only 10ths of a point from straight B average. We believe that the stability we have provided has been a major factor in his improvements. We are hoping to achieve similar improvements for the oldest who is struggling through 4th grade.
When accepting to date & marry a man with children from a previous marriage, I agreed to take all these factors into consideration. I would not change this decision. I am proud to be a step-mother and I see these children not as a burden but as a blessing. I am sure there are many challenges ahead, but I am confident that they are normal family struggles.
Thank you for this wonderful blog. The statistics and reports can paint a negative picture that can be difficult to see past. It is your story, and so many others, that need to be heard to realize that we have a wonderful opportunity and responsibility to create stable environments for our children even in the midst of unforeseen adversity. Children are an incredible blessing. We learn so much from them even as we seek to guide and parent them. Keep writing my friend. You have a gift!
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