Priorities

Spring Break Lessons

Monday morning as I was enjoying 'sleeping in' I was interrupted by my oldest son. He knocked on the door and entered with my cell phone in hand and said "Dad says you have to come get him". WHAT? He left at least 20 minutes before this and I was perplexed. I answered the phone to find that he had a dead battery. So I rushed to get dressed, grabbed the keys and drove to his rescue. Murphy's law, when you least CAN afford for even the little things to go wrong is when they happen. We just spent a large amount to fix this car because it gets better gas mileage and Tim's job has him driving all over South Alabama. With the price of gas, and a delayed paycheck for my contribution to the family budget, we decided that even though it is spring break, we would wait until the end of the week (payday) instead of dipping into our savings (which isn't very much yet).

Of course this means that I am the MOM at HOME for spring break with no transportation. As we all know kids can only occupy themselves at home for so long then they are asking "What can we do? We are BORED!!"

Here's what we did . . .

 Built a tent in the backyard . . .

Found interesting things on our way to lunch.

Walked to lunch at Subway our favorite spot!!

Dorothy shopped for a few things for dinner, we climbed on the logs outside the store

frolicked in the meadow . . .

took a break from our walk . . .

looked for shapes in the clouds . . .

ran through the tall grass . . .

found bird nests

traveled  the path less traveled  . . .

enjoyed the outdoors . . .

ran through the dry drain ditches . . . 

We found out that we don't need a car we only need what the good Lord gave us, our feet and the air outside:)

babysitter? or Mom?

I have these moments of clarity, this morning was one.  A year ago at this time I had been married almost three months and as everyone knows became an instant mother of three with those two words "I do" and it has been an eventful year of adjustments.

This morning I woke up with the alarm at 6am, stumbled out sleepy and let the dog out of her crate, shuffled across the living room to turn on the lights each of the kids rooms. Into the kitchen to pour  my orange juice then back into the bedrooms to wake them up.  I am more like a sheep dog in the mornings then a person, nipping at their heels to get out the door on time. "Did you put deodorant on? Get your breakfast, stop staring in the mirror and get your hair brushed, find your shoes."  No I don't know where your uniform shirt is, I put it in your clean clothes basket.  Get your lunch out of the fridge, its time to go, come on your going to miss the bus." I rush them out the door and walk with them down the block (one house) to the corner in time to hug them all before they get on the bus.

Somewhere in the last 14 months I became "mom" and I love it.  I know they have a mom who loves them, I know they love her. I pray for her to find a way to be closer to them because it might make it a little less painful for them. I am the one who is here every day. I wash their clothes, do the grocery shopping, cook for them, clean up after them, award their hard work. I work to help provide for them. I dry their tears, try to explain why "momma" can't live closer. I have to field the emotions that they have when they are given decisions that kids shouldn't have to make (Christmas gifts OR flight out to visit momma) I have to explain why we can't send momma money to help her find a house.

I am mom, I draw from my own mothers patient teachings.  I watch how my sisters kids snuggle up to her and realize that my step-kids now snuggle in the same way when we watch TV.  I relish in the little secrets they come home with about 'girlfriends' and boys they have a crush on. I feel blessed that they see me as mom and call me as such, it also doesn't bother me that they call me Dorothy, I know who is here day-in-and day-out for them.  I feel like mom, I feel like I have been given an awesome responsibility and I am blessed to have great role models of women in my life to draw from when I am caught asking myself "what now?".

As I turn to walk back to the house I notice the soft pink color of the clouds, a welcome brisk cool fall air fills my lungs.  For some unknown reason, I am suddenly clear that I am a mom, not just a babysitter for someone's children. I breath in the cool morning air and realize that a year ago I still felt like I was babysitting someone else's kids, today as I open the door back to into a quiet house I am a mother.

Momma - The sweetest Name

I married not only my husband but his wonderful three children 10 months ago. I consider them my kids, I dislike the step-parent label. Especially since the kids are with us full time.  Their mother lives in LA and when the custody case was before the court in October she faxed a hand-written note to the judge at 4pm the day before the appearance stating she would not be able to appear and could the date get extended.

I don't doubt that she loves her children. I am sure that she wishes they could be with her (as she states many many times in e-mails or Facebook posts). She likes to say that my husband stole them from her when he knew she couldn't appear in court. Yes, among many other reasons he filed for a reversal of custody when after f2 years she could not provide a stable home for them. Aside from the emotional, mental, academic stability that all children need, she could not provide the simplest of basic needs, shelter, a home. All the food, clothing , and other stuff kids needs was provided by either her few friends and family who let them live in their homes, state assistance, or the child support money that their father provided for her. Love is not the only thing that makes a woman a good mother.

As many of those of you reading know from experience, having children changes your life. birthing them you get the nine months to adapt to the thought of them, then you get to grow your knowledge with them as they grow.  I knew they would be part of our life as I married my husband, however, 3 months before our wedding date he informed me that the mother of his children had dropped them with him because her current living situation would not allow them any more.  Then 2 months before our day, she got on a plane from Mobile AL to Los Angeles, CA and we knew that she wasn't coming back anytime soon. He looked into filing for custody (since the kids were living with him full time now). Twenty-four days from our wedding day he was awarded temporary full custody. Two and a half months later the court awarded him full custody.

My conversation with the kids has always been that they are to call me what is most comfortable and respectful for them.  All three started with calling me Dorothy. In 6 months my daughter Meila started calling me Momma when I would pick her up from Brownies.  Then on a sleep-over with her troop she called me momma all night and since then its been almost exclusively momma. It really is sweet especially when it has been her choice.

Meila has asked me on occasion if she should call me momma. I have repeated what I told her from the start " you can call me what you are comfortable with". On one occasion she explained how her other momma said she can't call me mom.  I explained that it probably hurts her momma's feelings to hear her call another woman momma. I told Meila that no one can tell her how she feels in her heart and that if she felt like calling me momma it was up to her, since that conversation it has always been momma.

It is the sweetest name anyone has called me. I'm so thankful.  As for the boys, they call me Dorothy most of the time. They slip once in a while and call me mom and they have this pause afterwards to see if I noticed. They say things like 'your the best mom ever' or when friends ask "is that your mom" they answer "yes".

Recently I posted a video on my facebook page and Meila calls me 'momma' and it bothered her real mom and others.  I knew it was inevitable.  I could have tried to edit the video so as not to hear that precious call of 'momma' but why should I hide the term of endearment that my daughter has choosen to call me. My reply to the shout of "she's not the MOMMA!! was simple "the kids have two mothers that love them very much."  I will never replace their real mom and quite honestly I don't want to, I want to be a better mother then they have had I want to care for their every need, grow them into good citizens, be for them the mother that I am blessed to have. I will wash their laundry, wake up at night with them, hold their hand at scary doctor appointments, nurture and nourish them with all that God has blessed me with so that I may be a blessing to them.  I will love them through hard choices that they don't understand, limit their movie choices, make them read, make them go outside to play, go to church, I pray that in their hearts they will see the woman God calls me to be for them. I pray that their other mother recognizes the blessing they have been given to have two mothers that love them.

Just when you think . . .

Just when you think your kids are handling the new family so well, something snaps you into the reality that they are damaged by their parents divorce. I don't know what it is like to be a child of divorce.  My parents have been together 40+ years, and although no family is perfect, I didn't experience the life my children have.

Tim and I were recently having a normal disagreement about how to stoke the fire, yes a silly subject to disagree on, but I lived on my own in a house with a fireplace for 10 years, I have my own way of doing it. When Tim asked why I was playing in the fire I told him and we disagreed about if it needed stoking or not. A simple few words of disagreement with each others opinions, not yelling, no fighting, just a few disagreeing words.  Suddenly, the middle child holds his hands up, as if to separate us even though we are on different sides of the couch,  and states quite firmly "don't get a divorce".  Shocked we both stopped and suddenly laughed and told him that we are committed to being together for the rest of our lives. We both assured him that when we took the vows at our wedding we meant them and we were stuck together for good and bad! We explained that we trust God brought us together and that we promise him and the other two kids that we are a family and that nothing will tear us apart.

I know this is a big promise.  I hear some of you thinking, 'sure we all thought that on our wedding day', I know some of you have struggled with that promise and some of you have had to break that promise. Some of you are single parents, struggling with how to be the mom & the dad at the same time. I mean no disrespect to you, your situations and your lives are testaments that we never know what the future brings.

Tim & I have all intentions of keeping this promise to each other, our children, our families, and most importantly to God. I only know that the lives of these three precious children have been handed to me, they are the greatest gift my husband has given me.  He trusted me with raising his children, he trusts me more then the woman he made their biological mother. He reminds me frequently of how much they have learned and how stable and loving our home is, how it is the family he had hoped for.  I know that there are times ahead which I can not predict, times that will test that promise but the important thing to remind ourselves at those moments is we made the promise, we meant it, and we have to live it out.

We committed to these kids that we will make a stable loving home for them, we have to assure them at all costs.  Unless one of us loses sight of that promise I am confident that the promise I made can be kept. So I can tell my son, when he blurts out "don't get divorced" that we love each other even when we are arguing and that we will NOT be getting a divorce.  It reminds me that these little lives have been impacted by the actions of their parents, and that even though they were loved through the process, they were damaged.  Nothing but love can heal that wound, nothing but time and always being here for them.

step family VS natural family

"Recognize that the stepfamily will not and can not function as does a natural family. It has its own special state of dynamics and behaviors. Once learned, these behaviors can become predictable and positive. Do not try to overlay the expectations and dynamics of the intact or natural family onto the stepfamily." http://parenthood.library.wisc.edu/Bliss/Bliss.html

I think the above quote is wrong.  I believe that every family, blended or natural creates its own expectations within the group. It is the natural order that the parents set the precedents, objectives, rules, celebrations and such.

Any group has its own individual group personality and dynamics.  I experienced this when I was teaching.  A class of students could be changed by the inclusion or exclusion of key individuals within the group. Just like teaching, there is a basic family make-up, roles of all involved, and there should be consistency in how this group is assembled. I agree that a natural family breakdown and the roles are all re-defined when a divorce of the groups primary leaders takes place.  In many circumstances this is the decision of those leaders that they can not or will not agree to co-lead the family anymore.  Depending on how this decision is made and experienced can make the difference for the children.

The decision to divorce is something that should not be made in haste.  Equally important, when children are involved,  is the decision to start dating and eventually re-marry. When a person makes the decision to be a parent all other decisions suddenly have to be made with the children as a priority. Parents have the most difficult decisions to make when they are faced with moving on from the breakage of the relationship with their co-parent.  I can not imagine how you make those decisions. I can only support those of my friends who have to make them.

I can only make those decisions as a step-mom, my decisions now affect my step-children. My husband and I strive to give these children a family that is strong, perhaps stronger then their "natural family".

Divorce and the role of the family unit

 The State of Our Unions 2005, a report issued by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, states that  only 63% of American children grow up with both biological parents -- the lowest figure in the Western world. As a new step-mom I have 3 wonderful children that fall into this category. With all the data showing that these children are more likely to have problems in mental, emotional, or social areas. My role as a step-mom, and life partner to my husband,  is to create a healthy family environment for what is now our kids, our family.

The family unit is our most fundamental social structure. It is no surprise that the breakdown of the family is paralleled in society by the breakdown of basic 'common courtesies' that are no longer common. It is our family unit that teaches us the values by which we will live our life.

The family unit at it's core, it is designed to nurture and meet our most basic needs in infancy and young childhood.  The foundational needs in the pyramid of Maslow's Hierarchy are the needs of food, shelter, and safety. In developed societies these needs are met either independently by the parent(s) or with help from the greater society through government programs. However, to raise healthy children it is the 3rd level of the hierarchy and above that are the critical areas of development. These are the areas that move beyond the physical needs of human development and into the development of an individuals sense of belonging, self esteem, and self-actualization.

Child development specialist agree that the most important years of development are the first 5 years of life. Unfortunately this also correlates with the end of many marriages.  As one example, for first marriages ending in divorce among women aged 25 to 29, the median length of marriage before divorce in 1990 was 3.4 years; (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1992, p. 4).  My step-children fall into the masses of children whose parents are divorced before the age of 5. The youngest was 3.5years old when her mother moved the children away from their dad without any explanation or warning. The Boys were 5 and 6 years old when their lives were uprooted. They are amazingly well adjusted considering that they were woke up very early one Saturday morning and moved 245 miles away from their father. Over the next two years they would move 4 times and be in 3 school different school districts. 


The kids are fortunate that there was no ugly custody battle. Their dad was able and willing to move close to where his ex-wife had decided to live when she left him. He only wanted to be near and involved in his children's life.  They actually had an amicable situation (at least from the kids point of view). He allowed her to have full custody as long as she was reasonable about his involvement in the kids activities. Over over the course of time, her living situation did not stabilize, and in fact, became unresolvable for the children to continue living with her.  As life decisions would have it, my husband was awarded full custody without a battle because he could provide the basic needs and a stable environment for them to grow.


I am a lucky step-mother because my children are young enough to not have developed adolescent anger about the situation, and old enough to communicate their emotions about their living situation. Children, overall, are resilient. My three step kids are a mothers dream.  We have had few struggles.  The older boys had significant academic difficulties at the beginning of the current school year. Given a stabile home environment and a step-mother who is a former educator, they are thriving. The middle child shows exceptional growth over the first semester of the year.  His fundamental academic skills have shown remarkable growth.  He repeated 1st grade and is currently in 2nd grade.  At the beginning of the year he was showing signs of being in the bottom of his class average. At the semester grading period he was only 10ths of a point from straight B average. We believe that the stability we have provided has been a major factor in his improvements. We are hoping to achieve similar improvements for the oldest who is struggling through 4th grade. 


When accepting to date & marry a man with children from a previous marriage, I agreed to take all these factors into consideration. I would not change this decision.  I am proud to be a step-mother and I see these children not as a burden but as a blessing.  I am sure there are many challenges ahead, but I am confident that they are normal family struggles.